I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
