I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
