The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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