For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
