Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
