My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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