He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Do vagina's smell?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
