Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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