Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
