i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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