My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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