I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
