when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
