accomplished twins. life is a go
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i now understand why vodka
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
