Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
