erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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