Apparently you make a good broom.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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