How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
