I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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