Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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