If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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