Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
