Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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