You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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