just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
