It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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