you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
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At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
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I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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