You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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