Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
