I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
