Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
