It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
