I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
