Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
