I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
