god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
