at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
