just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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