I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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