she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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