just tell him i said nine months
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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