shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
