It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Less talking, more tequila
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
