Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
