Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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