The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
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