I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
