hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Someone signed my nipple.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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