i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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