OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
