ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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