Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
