today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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